sooo

Mar. 17th, 2012 09:05 pm
lienne: A fountain pen nib, lying on paper. (Default)
That porn meme totally isn't happening. I thought I could, and I could not. :( Sorry.

Onnnn the other hand, things that actually are happening: who would be interested in a recording of me reading this story? My darling heartlobster wanted me to, so I did, and as soon as I've recorded a final draft where the ambient noise is not louder than my voice, it is going out to her and whoever else wants to hear it!

:(

Mar. 12th, 2012 08:26 pm
lienne: A fountain pen nib, lying on paper. (Default)
i've been treating myself really badly this week.

i keep skipping things like sleep and meals and light therapy, and i remind myself not to but then i do anyway, because i just can't make myself go to bed or get food or sit still for my light. and every time i have a moment to myself without anything else to think about it's like i'm just soaking in this vast apathetic puddle of self-loathing. i don't even have the physical or emotional energy to have strong feelings about hating myself, it's just "oh yeah, i'm a worthless turd. what else is new."

...the radio just came on with a commercial voiced by a lady who mispronounced "Toyota" twice. It was "Tayota" the first time and "Tota" the second. And yes, that is what she was advertising. idgi. don't they, like, pay attention to this shit? it wasn't cutesy and intentional or anything, she just couldn't say the word right. what?

anyway.

yeah so that.

whatever, i'll live. hopefully i'll get a chance to catch up on my energy debt sometime soon. it would be just great if i did not respond to exhaustion by getting too stressed/tired to take care of myself and thereby end up making it worse, but eh, have to work with what i've got.

gdfsdhfdfd

Mar. 7th, 2012 03:35 pm
lienne: Outer space. (emotion: not in touch with reality)
I need to rethink something about the way I'm running my life.

I don't know what. But today I was barely functional in class. I've been exhausted all day. I suspect the reason for this is that I went to work yesterday. I'm going to work again tomorrow. It's probably a bad idea, but they need me.

It's a little bit terrifying being this tired. I'd almost forgotten what it was like, actually; this term, in general, my brain has been there for me when I needed it. It has occurred to me that maybe the reason I did so poorly in both my classes last term is that I was like this the whole time and just didn't notice because I got used to it.

I'm not sure if this entry makes any sense. I can't hold much more in my head at a time than the words I am typing. I suspect I'm coming off strangely disjointed but I have no way to check.

In an ideal world I could just do something to fix this and become capable of working two days in a week and taking classes the other three, but it isn't and I can't. So I guess I'll just let myself be exhausted this week and hopefully recover over the weekend.

Oh, and tomorrow, I resolve to absolutely and for certain eat lunch on time and in quantity. I didn't yesterday and let me tell you, it did not help. Speaking of which, food is a thing and I should have some.

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